I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
