a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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