My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
