EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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