Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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