if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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