I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
