I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
