even my farts smell like vagina
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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