i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
