I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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