No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
