I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize