my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
