this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
