yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
