Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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