**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize