I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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