My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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