Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
