Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
