I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You are a genius and a whore.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
