I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
