Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
