U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
