Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize