break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
