she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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