Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
i think my cat just said my name.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
