I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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