I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
