my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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