Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
