she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
