Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
