Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
