im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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