nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
