im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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