Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Dick very happy bro
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
