I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
