I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
