worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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