My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
