he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
