i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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