drinking out of a sandbucket again
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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