He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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