i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
your like the ambassador to my penis.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
