I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
