Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
