some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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