final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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