Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
