dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
