ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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