The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
